Growing up I was always super thin. To most girls my age it was something they envied me for and I was loving it. I felt pretty and noticed. I worried about my weight. Not the way that you might be thinking. I wanted to gain weight. After a while I realized how terribly skinny I really was. Because of the gene pool I had an extremely difficult time putting on weight. And then I got pregnant.
I felt beautiful pregnant, until the stretchmarks came. I thought I was doing everything I could to prevent them. I slathered lotion on twice, sometimes three times a day and they still came. After giving birth I lost the weight fairly quickly, but not all of it. All the time I was trying to gain weight to feel better about my body and then I finally have weight on me and I was disgusted with how I looked. I felt unattractive in every way. The stretchmarks, the fat roll, the "pooch" I never had before. The only think I liked was having the biggest boobs I'd ever had! Jonathan would tell me how beautiful I was, but it's never enough until you're satisfied with yourself and only you can build your own confidence in your body image.
It wasn't until recently (within the last year) that I have loved my breasts, stretchmarks, poochy belly and bigger thighs. I just wish I could get into shape. I have no balance let alone any stamina to walk a mile. Lol. There are still things that I can change and I do my damndest to never say anything negative about my body in any way around any of our children. I don't want to be that influence.
The reason I am writing this post is this....
Last week Amaya walked into our bedroom for help zipping her pants when she grabs her tummy and says "I have a big tummy mommy." WHAT?! I was instantly mortified! She's not even 5 years old and she's barely pinching anything from her tummy and telling me how big it is!!! Then Saturday Tressa is getting dressed and tells me how big her legs (she points to her thighs) are!!! Where did I go wrong? What have I said or not said? Jonathan seems to think I am freaking out about nothing, but I just can't shake it. Have I told them how beautiful they are too little, or maybe too often? Did they hear me say something about myself?
Tuesday at the bus stop, a man in his car asks me what time the bus usually arrives because the driver is his uncle and he needs to speak with him. He then asks if all of the kids are mine and mentions how pretty the girls are. Then he points to Tressa saying, "SHE is gorgeous." " They're both beautiful, but she, she's THE ONE." All the while Amaya is staring at him with those blue eyes and batting those long lashes waiting for him to say something about her. He takes notice and says with a laugh, "You're beautiful too, but that one right there... She's THE ONE."
WARNING: Profane language and graphic details ahead. Read at your own risk.
Asshole! ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE!
Is he fucking serious?! Did he really just tell Amaya how much prettier her sister was than she?!
I instantly imagined ripping his balls off and shoving them down his throat and laughing hysterically at his pain... Crazy? Maybe! But I haven't felt so much hatred for anyone in a long while. (Yes G-ma, I know. Hate is a strong word and I must use it with caution, if ever... I apologize☺)
Any advice?!?! I feel like a crazy person about this... HELP!
Lots of love and self confidence boosts...
-Jaclyn-
